I’m back to not really knowing where I should be posting certain types of article. I established one of my blogs ‘Maria to the Core’, precisely for the purpose of having a platform of expression upon which I could be the unadulterated me. However, back then I had a much bigger following on my blogs, particularly this one, and it just didn’t seem appropriate to be posting such deeply felt opinions here.
Things have changed significantly since, and I no longer have the following that I used to on my writing blogs, including this one. This is mostly because for much of this past year I have been absent from blogging, being caught up in the throes of life. Being that my life very rarely appears to be straightforward it has been a roller coaster of a year, with it’s wonderful highs, and very definite lows.

One thing I know for certain, is that when I sit to write I need absolute peace and silence often, or at least be plugged into wordless music that helps me focus and match my writing mood. Right now though, I am distracted by my children, who are just being children not so quietly entertaining themselves. They are good at that. To me though, that is like a red rag to a bull when I’m trying to focus on any task, particularly something as cerebral as writing. In fact, lots of noise around me bothers me deeply, and has often been the trigger for stress and panic attacks. For years I wondered why I was like this, but owing to the consistency of my behaviour, I knew that it had to be some kind of neurological bent of mine. Having been diagnosed with a raft of genetic conditions in the past ten years in particular, it was no real surprise to me that many of my behavioural habits were a product of the way I was built and wired. However, none of the diagnoses really came close to explaining my particular set of behavioural symptoms, until I met my husband who told me from the outset that he had Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADHD. The more he explained it to me, the more I began to recognise similarities with my own reactions. Then, I decided to take an online test for ADHD, and low and behold I qualified with a resounding set of full marks pretty much. Severe ADHD was the potential diagnosis. It was enough for me to begin to be more aware of my behavioural quirks, many of which are classic ADHD traits. It amused me greatly that I had found a pre-prescribed set of traits that seemed to match mine almost to a tee, me being the unconventional sort and all! Maybe not so much after all.

Awareness of my behaviour within that context doesn’t lessen the knee-jerk reactions I have to a number of things, but it makes it easier to understand what is happening, and therefore begin to rationalise it in a way that I can explain to myself and others. In reality, like all of my conditions, it sucks. It does have its advantages in that once I get my teeth into something, very little can stop me from achieving my goal, in that way it can have positive benefits. But it does mean that I get very impatient, and that impatience will often lead to stress that my heart and overall health can now ill afford to contend with.
The thing with ADHD is that consists of compulsive behaviours that can at times feel uncontrollable and overwhelming. Understanding now that what is happening is predominantly a neurological twitch is a big step, and even though I still find myself having to experience such episodes with the acceptance that I have to ride them out, more frequently than I care to, I know however, that they will pass. That is the important bit. Thankfully the notion that things eventually pass and change is something that has become ingrained in me from a much earlier time in my life. It’s a useful thing to be able to cling to when all else seems to have turned to shite.

I frequently feel down because of all the behavioural/neurological triggers I have, it can be a bit of a minefield sometimes particularly if physically I’m not up to par, which is much of the time in fact. Despite all of this though, I have always maintained that I am an optimist, always able to find a solution, or at least try to find one. I am generous and kind-hearted and will always be the first to offer my support if someone needs it. It’s a strange dichotomy really, to be faced with such disparate attitudes within the scope of my own private experience. It almost feels like a form of schizophrenia, even though I’m just too rational and too self-aware for that to be the case. I can be highly impulsive, yet be prone to procrastination, often simultaneously.

I have spent much of my life already trying to get to grips with who I am and the way in which my mind and body works. I’ve barely scratched the surface of it, yet I feel I know a substantial amount already, enough to have made quite definitive changes to myself and the way my life unfolds. Is it really enough though? Not really, nowhere near as yet. When I can reach a point where I have eliminated all of my triggers,then I will feel like I have succeeded at dealing with them.Then I might feel vindicated with all the knowledge I believe I have. Only then will I feel that it served a positive purpose.
Until then however, I shall keep writing and talking about it, loosening the valve and relieving the pressure a little as and when I need to. It isn’t even a process of reaching a goal or particular conclusion, but rather decluttering to reveal the sense of calm that I apparently always have at my core, but that often becomes so obscured that I temporarily forget that it was ever there. As my inner Seth often reminds me, I create my own reality and I am always at its centre. However, forgetting seems to be part and parcel of the human experience according to those of non-corporeal status, further validating the good stuff when you do finally make sense of it all, fleeting as those moments have been for me personally, though frequent enough throughout my life to validate them.

13 thoughts on “Validation.

  1. “It amused me greatly that I had found a pre-prescribed set of traits that seemed to match mine almost to a tee, me being the unconventional sort and all! Maybe not so much after all.”

    I felt precisely the same way when I discovered I had ADHD, even though I’d suspected something of the sort since the first day of Grade 1. There is subtle, but persistent damage with believing, accepting, and then “embracing” one’s eccentricities. Discovering, deep into adulthood, that almost all of them can be explained in a fairly prescriptive fashion is at once exhilarating and disconcerting. I’d lived my life believing I was “quick-tempered” only to discover that ADHD explained everything.

    It takes a while to first realize the knowledge gives you power over your life. In time, you understand the triggers and the symptoms. It’s still not as simple as turning the switch off. I think we’re both blessed to have partners who understand the condition. I still often don’t recognize what I’m doing as symptomatic, and having my wife remind me helps a lot. But the other side of the coin is wondering how much of you “youness” was just brain chemistry. I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter. All we can do is embrace the gifts it provides and try to control the burdens. I suppose everyone is in that boat. Had I no ADHD, I wouldn’t struggle with patience, impulsiveness, or worry, but on the other hand, I’d have spent twice as much time at work for the same pay.

    As far as the writing goes, maybe you should make this your everyday blog, and just write what you’re feeling: poetry, self-exploration (heh), short stories, or whatever. For the more personal stuff that you used to post on Maria to the Core–maybe you can just talk to your husband. Once you’ve sorted through your feelings, you’ll have even more to write here.

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    1. Thank you. You’re advice is relieving, and I shall accept it gladly. Too much going on in my brain sometimes to think clearly. Maria to the Core has too much heavy energy attached, so I like the idea of this being my everyday blog. Thank you for your very supportive comments too, without you i wouldn’t have even thought to consider HDHD, or a lot of other things. You are my inspiration in so many ways.

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        1. You are anything but the lesser half of me. You are very much the part of me that was missing for so long. I missed you for years, and didn’t know it was you that I was missing until I met you. We have different things to offer each other in amongst all the similarities, and that is a very good thing.

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