I’m sitting here at staring at my Mac screen feeling distracted. Wanting to write something interesting and pithy, but distracted by the divergent energies and emotions swimming about inside me like a restless serpent. There has definitely been a shift of late as I mentioned in a previous post, a resurgence of certain feelings that I haven’t felt in a very long time. In fact they have kind of crept up on me while I wasn’t noticing.
You’d think me being able to ‘channel’ people’s emotions and thoughts as I do that I would experience a myriad of different perspectives and nuances of feeling all the time, and to an extent that is true. However it doesn’t usually have such an impact, so that I feel love-sick almost, which in my head sounds ridiculous. But the feelings I’ve been experiencing in short sharp bursts are the kind of feelings you get when you are madly in love with someone who you have watched from afar, and the awareness begins to dawn that they love you back. Then I ask myself “What the heck are you talking about? You gave up all hope of being in love with anybody ever again along with the ark!”. And I guess it’s true. I settled into the same life pattern that millions of others entertain, partner/husband/wife, children, house, no hope… I jest… much…. I thought this would be it for me. But it would seem I am oddly mistaken. It would seem that unbeknownst to me my life has apparently been lacking in some way, devoid of a sense of meaning and connection that can only come from a full-blown, mental, emotional and corporeal electrifying coming together of two people who would move heaven and earth to be together.
The catch is, I don’t know who that other person is, maybe it’s several people [grinning]. Just a ghostly image, an impression of a person that seems to have been there for some time now. In the wings of my personal theatre, watching me as I act out my days, changing hats, costumes, shoes, the disguises and guises of my selfhood. Visiting me in dreams where we meet in passing, sometimes having encounters that are more meaningful, insightful and challenging.
You would assume then that I must know who they are? And although I have my suspicions, I am confused by all the other signals and internal messages that I am receiving and tuning into constantly. There I went from yesterday’s exuberance, to feeling dejected and love-sick today, without knowing why. Almost as though I am an observer sitting on the side-lines watching a performance unfold, where a version of me and someone else is acting out a scene, instead of just this me claiming full spot-light.
I remember I was in my workshop when it happened, busily working away at a pair of shorts I was making, preparing for my trip to Venice, when all of a sudden I felt a tidal wave of passion and love, the kind that takes your breath away, and for a moment I swayed on my feet, toppled by the force of the emotion. Dizzied by the implications of its many colours. I mean what a beautiful feeling, but with no-one and nowhere to aim it, no-one with whom to reciprocate and share. What a bummer. Also with the added confusion of what I was meant to do with that kind of all-consuming desire. All fire and nothing to burn.
I’m not just talking carnal desires, the need to feel the pleasures of bodily closeness, although not dismissible, but the kind of love that has the power to span time, distance, circumstance, and makes your heart want to jump out of your chest and head for your chosen mate like a missile ready to explode on contact. Like I said, ridiculous.
In a way I wish I hadn’t been reminded of that feeling, of being so in love with someone you can’t breathe, it never lasts long and sooner or later you have to resume normal functioning services. But while you are neck-deep in that feeling, it is pure bliss. A moment of utter divinity that lights up your whole body like a beacon; the kind of feeling that makes you want to climb the tallest building and proclaim your love to the world, or dance in the pouring rain with a stupid grin on your head that lets the world know that you are the happiest person alive.
Maybe I just need to get out more. Maybe I need to open up too and stop hiding behind the actor in my one-woman-show.
Then again, maybe this is something new. Something unfolding that I have yet to experience as a physical event. I am open-minded and open to all possibilities, with few conditions. And I know full well from experience how life can change over-night.
I tell myself that I’m not a romantic, that I don’t do ‘love’ and tokens of affection. But I think I tell myself that to cope with what I don’t have, and what is now a distant memory. I’m thinking then, that these feelings I’ve been experiencing with growing strength over past months might be as crass as my projection of what I would like to have in my life. And although that may be true, I also am not easily fooled. I know the difference between my own feelings and that of others, especially when they arise out of nowhere in the way that they have. And for those brief moments I feel that whomever is sending me these thoughts, that I would absolutely move heaven and earth for them without a second thought. An odd situation I find myself in. What to do?
Probably nothing. Wait and see maybe… maybe I’ve finally fallen off my perch…
Yet there’s hope….