– Ideally to be read in a Scots accent –
If the Shoe Fits – The Word-Wizard
Five fingers do you have; five toes to
Your feet. With one foot you may
Stand and rave. With one hand
You may greet.
A nose upon your withered face;
A brow as proud as day;
And eyes as narrow as a winter’s moon
Spying all your prey.
With heart rejoicing in mirth’s guilt
You speak your tone with gusto,
And twist the words that gutter forth
As wings of ravens must do.
But worry not my churlish cub
For none will judge you thusly;
Your tales unfold with wicked speed,
And turn the day inversely.
Upon their heads stand all who listen
And all who read your woeful creed,
With splitting side and gaping mouth
Their mirth escapes with torrid need!
You are a master of the pen,
A smith of worthy note,
And homage do I pay to you,
If only just to gloat,
For though you weave your magic well,
You’re as ugly as a cheerless goat!